01.17.12

The throbbing pain
That spreads
Without being clearly defined
Is driving me mad...
I feel angst
I feel grief
I feel dispair
I feel confusion...
I need resolution
I need to heal
I need my path,
At least the next step
Obliviously laid out
In plain sight
So that my dense eyes
May see...
I curse and I scream
I cry and I beg
I wonder what the fuck I did
Where the hell I went wrong
Upon my sober
And righteous path
To end up here...
Here in this place of
Fog...
It's all foggy
It's stressful
It's demeaning,
Being labeled as lazy
Being told to suck it up...
What am I to suck up exactly?
If it is still a mysterious
Flaw to who I am
Physically in flesh...
How am I to pretend,
In foolishness that it doesn't
Truly exist...
I feel it
I feel it daily
And it hurts my soul
My pride
My Self...
When I foolishly try to
Suck it up
For the sake of
Unsupportive eyes
Be it my own pride
Or another casting out
Their misunderstanding...
I suffer
I end up fiercely reminded
That this is real...
Just because one day
May differ from the next
Doesn't mean a damn thing...
Walk a day in my shoes,
Take my best day
Go ahead and push
What isn't real
Then call me afterwards
Be it five minutes later
An hour later
Or the next morning
When you wake up
With the reprocussions
And appologies...
And I will take my shoes back.
While in my shoes
Please honor my sobriety
Please respect my morals
And tolerate with medication
That only I can tolerate,
Which is slim to none.