What I Am...

I am the type of person who continually gets flack for being who I am.

Does this bother me?

Yes and no.

No, in the sense that I actually think I'm a pretty decent person, and I like myself, for all my sweetness, for my overuse of the word "fuck", and even for my random nonsense, among other things. I mean well. I am constantly learning, and growing... living each day of my life the best that I can, trying to get shit right, and always trying to be a better person. Am I perfect? Do I think this makes me better than others? No... which brings me to the "yes"...

Yes, it does bother me, in the sense that I can not stand judgement. While I know that we are each our own person, and that no two people are going to see things exactly in the same way... judgemental and ignorant know-it-alls chap my ass.

A brief but not complete list of crap I have received damnations for over the course of my life, ranging from down right dumb to not being anyone else's business but mine, because it's my life:

1. My fat ass. My present boyfriend is the only man I have been in a relationship with or dated, who does not repeatedly tell me that I "could stand to lose a few". The size of my ass does not affect who I really truly am.
2. The fact that I look like Lily Munster and should get a tan. Pale people are apparently icky. I don't know why this is such a big freakin' deal, but I guess it just is to some.
3. My spiritual beliefs, because everyone seems to think that it is their job to save my soul, despite the fact that I am a good person, and they really do not know jack diddly shit about me, and have never really bothered to try getting to know me. Which is what makes them ignorant.
4. My upbringing. No, I do not have parents... yes, my mommy is dead, and yes, my daddy is a chemical driven psycho ex-con who did bad shit to his kids. Does that affect me? Well, yeah! I miss my mom. And my father left me with issues that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, no matter what I do to stay grounded in the here and now. Does this affect my ability to be a good person, partner, parent, and friend? No. I have worked my ass off to survive, break away, and rise above... to become my own person, far apart from what the first 16 years of my life were like. I am a better human being for this. I am a conqueror. I learned right from wrong. Again, this is where that thing comes in about others not really bothering to get to know the real me. If you weren't there, if you don't have the facts, and if you can't look at me with your heart rather than your eyes, please shut the fuck up and leave it alone.
5. How I "present" myself. I know what this means... it means my face, my clothes, my language, my comfort in my own skin, my tits, and the fact that I refuse (with the exception of two times in my life) to be other than what I am and become what and who others want me to be. I have boobies... I'm a chick... and they are going to stick out when I wear a "revealing" article of clothing, because that's what I like to fucking wear. Okay? I'm 30 years old. I don't need or want someone to hold my hand and tell me how I should dress or apply makeup. I like how I look. It makes me happy. It reflects my tastes, and my personality, and I look this way for me. If you don't like it, don't look at me. I'm not yours to look at anyway. Unless I start flashing my vag to everyone in drunken Facebook photos (which will never happen), and become a total skank, don't worry about it. I do have self-respect... but I'm going to do my thing.
6. Being an addict. Read my lips...  Yes, addiction is an illness. Once an addict, always an addict. There is no cure. I however have 11 1/2 years under my belt, free of drugs, and I make an effort every day to remind myself of why I will never go back to that dark place. Please get off my back.
7. Being unmarried at 30... and a teen mom, to boot... with many, many failed and disasterous relationships. All I'm going to say is this...  First, I love my daughter with all my heart, and would not change a thing. I have given her my life. I am happy with my choices where she is concerned, considering that when you pop out a baby, they don't come with an instruction manual like a DVD player does. Just because I had a kid as a kid, doesn't mean I spread like peanut butter. For the record, I have not had sex in quite some time. By my choice, because I don't give it out to just anyone. I never have. Do not assume anything about me. And about my status as an unmarried 30 year old woman, with a past history of bad taste in partners... bite my ass. Up until you got married, your love life sucked too. For the record, I am very happy with the sweet and unconditional man I have in my life now. And by the way... your wife has been telling people you suck in bed and she's been flirting with the guy who works at in the deli. (Okay, no, not really, but if you had to think about that last sentence even for a second, it's probably a good indicator that you need to worry about your own affairs, and not those of others all the time. Just stop it.)

As I said... not a complete list, but you get a few of my points.

What I am, is me. I may not be all that you like, agree with, or even find yourself able to understand. Maybe I don't understand you either. I try to see past what I don't agree with, to see the real you... the likeable and loveable side, which is a side we all have. Do you do that when you look at me, or others? I won't say that I don't get pissy and take shots when provoked. That's the key... provocation. If you are going to push your ideas and opinions on me, even after I have said to stop, you're going to see a bitch. (Such as in this blog.) Get a clue. I defend myself. Stop pressing buttons and creating more of what you say you don't like. If you want my good, sweet, and loving side, which is something most people prefer, then treat me with a little respect. You will receive it in return. That is a promise.

I don't ask that everyone like and accept every single thing about me. That's my job. I'm the one who has to live with me at the end of the day, when all is said and done. I am the one who has to pay my own dues and learn my own lessons and receive what karma I deserve. The point of this entry is not to dump on anyone or make anyone feel bad. The point is to express what I feel about who I am, and my RIGHT to be what I am.

I once was someone's little girl. I am someone's sister, granddaughter, niece, mother, love, friend. I am sweet. I am sometimes naive and too trusting. I am stubborn. I am scarred. I am intelligent. I am talented. I am giving... sometimes to a fault, giving of my love and kindness. I am a bitch when my heart hurts. I am learning. I am doing. I am seeing. I am alone and making it all work by myself. I am happy. I am many colors, thoughts, visions, emotions, and roles... none of which can be seen with the eyes. I am not perfect. I am flawed. I am fine with that. I am myself. I am Samantha. That is all I can be.

01.17.12

The throbbing pain
That spreads
Without being clearly defined
Is driving me mad...
I feel angst
I feel grief
I feel dispair
I feel confusion...
I need resolution
I need to heal
I need my path,
At least the next step
Obliviously laid out
In plain sight
So that my dense eyes
May see...
I curse and I scream
I cry and I beg
I wonder what the fuck I did
Where the hell I went wrong
Upon my sober
And righteous path
To end up here...
Here in this place of
Fog...
It's all foggy
It's stressful
It's demeaning,
Being labeled as lazy
Being told to suck it up...
What am I to suck up exactly?
If it is still a mysterious
Flaw to who I am
Physically in flesh...
How am I to pretend,
In foolishness that it doesn't
Truly exist...
I feel it
I feel it daily
And it hurts my soul
My pride
My Self...
When I foolishly try to
Suck it up
For the sake of
Unsupportive eyes
Be it my own pride
Or another casting out
Their misunderstanding...
I suffer
I end up fiercely reminded
That this is real...
Just because one day
May differ from the next
Doesn't mean a damn thing...
Walk a day in my shoes,
Take my best day
Go ahead and push
What isn't real
Then call me afterwards
Be it five minutes later
An hour later
Or the next morning
When you wake up
With the reprocussions
And appologies...
And I will take my shoes back.
While in my shoes
Please honor my sobriety
Please respect my morals
And tolerate with medication
That only I can tolerate,
Which is slim to none.

01.14.12

The depth of my soul, Lays behind shades of greens, With an occasional hue of blues... My past and my future, Are perhaps irrelevant, Depending upon which road you stand. Without hindsight, These shoes that I fill, Would fail to beat to the rhythm, Of my soul's tune. Without foresight, Of a vast awry of mystery, The rhythm drumming within, From hindsight's past... Would it mean a thing? I have stories to tell, Some mostly based upon assumption, From days gone black... Does that make my past relevant? I over analyze, Behind the greens and hues, That you may call, Windows to my soul, But another may claim, They are just means of transmission, From the outside world, To my brain... I analyze my hindsight, To vast obsessions, For the purpose of shaping my future... I analyze my future, Forgetting the Now- Without grace, I Flaw for patience, Upon every stepping stone, That shall lead me there. I analyze the Now, The lack of patience, Remembrance upon the desire, For the immediate fix, The immediate solution... Though my hindsight exists, Of a completely different behavior, I recognize a fraction, Of the personality, That is still alive, That will always need to be Aware, For the sake of My recovered survival... An addict, Can be and will be still An addict, With or without the addiction of choice, An addict, Is still an addict, If Growth is not achieved... I am Flawed- In my lack of patience. I am Flawed- In my want of control. I am Flawed- In so many ways. However... I am Flawed perfectly, Beautifully. Behind the mostly green, The occasional blue, Beyond my flesh, Beyond my stories From this incarnation, Beyond my future dreams... I am evolving. I am not alone. I never was- Even in reclusive moments, Hidden behind Physical and metaphorical walls... I was Never alone. I see that now. I am just another Cellular structure, Having similiar experiences With other cells. One moment at a time. One embrace at a time. Together, We are Mother Earth. We are her puzzle pieces, Scrambling around, Similiar to an auto-immune, Attacking one another, Attacking vital parts To "her" structure... In hindsight, I am my own worst enemy. In the Now, I become more- Awake Alive Aware... When tomorrow comes, Be it through my greens, Or my hues of blue, Or be it a trail of fractions Left behind, Through pieces I have shared... I want my hindsight, As well as yours, To be the morning's sunrise, To be the evening's dusk... I want our fingerprints To be the Cure, For healing OUR Mother's Auto-immune.

#1 Pet Peeve (And a Choice)...

Stop.

Before you judge me, take a minute to ask yourself this question:

"Do I even know who she really is?"

 Well... do you?

If anyone "thinks" that they know me, they are probably wrong. You either do, or you don't. Probably very few people in my life, can truthfully say that they have taken the time to see beyond the surface and their own projections, opinions, and assumptions.

I am tired of people treating me like crap.

I don't give two shits what your beliefs are, how you were raised, how much your life sucks right now, or even how fat your ass is.

You know why?

Because I don't see any of that. I see YOU... for who you are... and I love you just the same. The least anyone (who wants to be a part of my life) can do, is give me the same fucking open-hearted treatment that I have afforded and offered, because I am just that blindy caring... because that is what a good and kind person does.

Unable to bring yourself to do that?

Okay. Fine. Take it elsewhere, then... because I have a choice as to who and what I allow to affect me.

I choose to not subject myself to that kind of mistreatment.

01.12.12

The day prior to Friday,
One less than thirteen
Within the year forecasted by
The Ancients,
As one of great change,
Through means of many ends...
I have waited,
With much anticipation,
For this calendar year to arrive.
Diligent daily,
Yet as if I desire stillness
From Humanities concept of time.
Within my Spirit,
I feel more Alive then previous
Days
Weeks
Months
The past year plus...
For within the gift of "misfortune"
Within the gift of mysteriously odd health...
I once again,
Slowly but surely,
Heard the voice of my Heart,
The voice of my Soul.
Through every step,
Every staggering moment of Ego...
I see what I must do,
I know which voice to follow.
It is NOT the voice of criticism,
Nor is it the voices that echo
With third dimensional logistic reasons.
It is NOT the voice of control,
Nor is it the voice of commands.
It is NOT the voice of Avarice...
What it IS...
It is the voice of my Soul,
It is the voice of my higher self...
It is the voice I must follow.
Brick by brick,
I will tear down the wall.
Brick by brick,
I will re-use
I will re-new
I will re-cycle
Brick by brick,
I will build another wall behind
To keep the demons out.

"... over and over... "

(Early 2011...  I may never tell anyone exactly what my poems are about. But I can say this... it's called looking back, reviewing, acknowledging, learning, accepting, growing, and letting go.)

In dreams...
So many times,
My dreams
Shattered
Within a dream...
A nightmare...

Over and over...
I am born,
A vessel
Of hope,
Of light.
My love
Spread in flight,
Free
And unconditional.
Joyful and innocent.

And unaware...

Pulled,
Pushed,
Savage,
From above...
Asking why...
Falling away
From all that is good...
All goodness
Torn from me...
Bleeding,
My shattered heart...

"... I have no innocence, though I am no devil... "

 (Late 2007... I look at myself and am amazed at how far I have come. It's crazy what a person can achieve once they surrender and open their heart and soul to healing.)

This is MY Hell.
My whole world...
CRASH.
Once my precious illusion,
My world...
I am cracked.
Blinding warmth pours in,
Unstoppable,
Scorching my paleness.
I see that face,
Garish grin,
Trying to see inside.
My mask...
Turned to ashes.
No wings
To hide beneathe.
I have no innocence,
Though I am no devil,
No horrid and wretched thing.
Judgement is NOT yours.
I am fallen,
Wounded...
Left behind or cast out?
Still part child...
I bleed,
I cry,
I LOVE...
I scream inside...

I fear I still have a soul...

The Toxies...

Toxies... it's a word I use for the the type of people who are always there for you, no matter what... to drain the fuck out of you.

Toxies have no real responsibilities, no respect or consideration for your responsibilities and feelings, are unable to contribute anything positive at all to their relationships, and they persistently annoy the piss out of others by expecting them to sacrifice a good night's sleep to their neediness. They come in different forms... old disappearing/reappearing friends, exes, family members, coworkers, classmates, neighbors... you get the point. They suck you dry of all that is giving, good, patient, and unconditional. They take advantage. They pop up at the worst times, because they have some kind of sixth sense that tells them that you are vulnerable and primed for easy pickings. They lie. They cheat. They cause premature aging. They are everywhere... and they are coming for you.

I have had my fair share of toxies. Usually they come in the form of exes or past aquaintances, who somewhere along the lines either have branded me as some kind of personal property there to make them feel better about themselves, or have attached themselves to me like a vitality-sucking tumor. Bad experiences have included and are not limited to being picked clean financially, manipulation, abuse, annoyance, stalking, and drunken "I need you" texts and phonecalls and messages at all hours of the night (it doesn't matter that I might have something huge going on in my own life like a grandparent dying, or that I might be trying to sleep at 2:00am because I do have a small child who I have to get up with in the morning). I even have a family member who has pushed me to consider staging my own death so I can run off and start a new life with a new name, just to escape the insanity.

Put simply: Toxies are bad. M'kay?

While many people have no problems laying down the law and telling certain people to fuck off, others genuinely care about their toxies. Yours could be your sibling, kid, parent, best friend, partner...  Some do not realize that they are putting strain or pressure on others, and may only exhibit certain behaviors because of underlying deep-seeded issues. In a case like that, it's hard to tell a loved one to go out and play in traffic. For those who do not care how much they sponge off of others, such as an aquaintance or coworker, you still have to be careful. For all you know, that pesky chick that you dated 10 months ago, could have a basement full of decapitated corpses. I'm just saying. Maintaining your composure and not getting all psycho is usually intelligent. Unless you are me... at 2:32am... when the phone rings... and I am tired... and I yell because the call is not for an important purpose.

So how do you get rid of a toxic person?

Boundaries.

It's the only way I've found that works. Set them. Stick to them. If that doesn't work, cut ties. It sucks, and no one really wants to be an asshole, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, and there's no other way around it. Probably sounds mean, but it's the truth... eventually we all have to ask ourselves, "Is this good for me?"

Be Advised...

To those who are familiar with the way that I do the blog thing, pay no mind to this post. It's just a waste of your time. Sammie has a potty mouth and says what she wants, and this should not be a shocker. Move along. Unless you are bored...

To those who are not familiar with my writing... well... there's a reason why I activated the adult content warning which popped up when you clicked the little link thingy to view my blog. As I said (and as my blog description clearly states), I have a big mouth. I am not the most ladylike of girly-girls.

I'm going to give you a few examples to help you decide whether or not you would like to continue reading my shit (oh, darn... swearing again), and to make it clear that once you make your decision, if you yell at me, I do know how to yell back.

I swear. A lot. I do it constantly. If you can not handle this, don't say I didn't warn you! That warning caution "adult content" thingy should have given you a clue.

I rant and rave. A lot. And it pisses people off, because I'm not afraid to tell people to tell it like it is or to ask questions.

I have a dirty mind and gutter sense of humor. Again... that "adult content" warning.

I am brutally honest. It's self-explainatory. I have no prob telling anyone that they are being stupid. If you don't want my thoughts, don't ask.

All that having been put out there, I want to say one more thing before wrapping this post up and leaving you to whatever the hell you were doing before you started reading...

I am a nice person. I am a good person. I have a mushy, lovey-dovey, kittens and rainbows kind of heart. If you can chill, and keep an open mind, I welcome your thoughts and may even hump your leg to show you how valuable your presence is to me.

I think that says it all. You never know what I'm going to post. Could be artwork, could be my random mumbo jumbo, could be poetry, could be cute stories about adventures in parenting, could be rants about petty vexations, could be nonsense, or I could sit here and ramble on about the people I love. In any case... thanks for giving me a read.