Does this bother me?
Yes and no.
No, in the sense that I actually think I'm a pretty decent person, and I like myself, for all my sweetness, for my overuse of the word "fuck", and even for my random nonsense, among other things. I mean well. I am constantly learning, and growing... living each day of my life the best that I can, trying to get shit right, and always trying to be a better person. Am I perfect? Do I think this makes me better than others? No... which brings me to the "yes"...
Yes, it does bother me, in the sense that I can not stand judgement. While I know that we are each our own person, and that no two people are going to see things exactly in the same way... judgemental and ignorant know-it-alls chap my ass.
A brief but not complete list of crap I have received damnations for over the course of my life, ranging from down right dumb to not being anyone else's business but mine, because it's my life:
- My fat ass. My present boyfriend is the only man I have been in a relationship with or dated, who does not repeatedly tell me that I "could stand to lose a few". The size of my ass does not affect who I really truly am.
- The fact that I look like Lily Munster and should get a tan. Pale people are apparently icky. I don't know why this is such a big freakin' deal, but I guess it just is to some.
- My spiritual beliefs, because everyone seems to think that it is their job to save my soul, despite the fact that I am a good person, and they really do not know jack diddly shit about me, and have never really bothered to try getting to know me. Which is what makes them ignorant.
- My upbringing. No, I do not have parents... yes, my mommy is dead, and yes, my daddy is a chemical driven psycho ex-con who did bad shit to his kids. Does that affect me? Well, yeah! I miss my mom. And my father left me with issues that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, no matter what I do to stay grounded in the here and now. Does this affect my ability to be a good person, partner, parent, and friend? No. I have worked my ass off to survive, break away, and rise above... to become my own person, far apart from what the first 16 years of my life were like. I am a better human being for this. I am a conqueror. I learned right from wrong. Again, this is where that thing comes in about others not really bothering to get to know the real me. If you weren't there, if you don't have the facts, and if you can't look at me with your heart rather than your eyes, please shut the fuck up and leave it alone.
- How I "present" myself. I know what this means... it means my face, my clothes, my language, my comfort in my own skin, my tits, and the fact that I refuse (with the exception of two times in my life) to be other than what I am and become what and who others want me to be. I have boobies... I'm a chick... and they are going to stick out when I wear a "revealing" article of clothing, because that's what I like to fucking wear. Okay? I'm 30 years old. I don't need or want someone to hold my hand and tell me how I should dress or apply makeup. I like how I look. It makes me happy. It reflects my tastes, and my personality, and I look this way for me. If you don't like it, don't look at me. I'm not yours to look at anyway. Unless I start flashing my vag to everyone in drunken Facebook photos (which will never happen), and become a total skank, don't worry about it. I do have self-respect... but I'm going to do my thing.
- Being an addict. Read my lips... Yes, addiction is an illness. Once an addict, always an addict. There is no cure. I however have 11 1/2 years under my belt, free of drugs, and I make an effort every day to remind myself of why I will never go back to that dark place. Please get off my back.
- Being unmarried at 30... and a teen mom, to boot... with many, many failed and disasterous relationships. All I'm going to say is this... First, I love my daughter with all my heart, and would not change a thing. I have given her my life. I am happy with my choices where she is concerned, considering that when you pop out a baby, they don't come with an instruction manual like a DVD player does. Just because I had a kid as a kid, doesn't mean I spread like peanut butter. For the record, I have not had sex in quite some time. By my choice, because I don't give it out to just anyone. I never have. Do not assume anything about me. And about my status as an unmarried 30 year old woman, with a past history of bad taste in partners... bite my ass. Up until you got married, your love life sucked too. For the record, I am very happy with the sweet and unconditional man I have in my life now. And by the way... your wife has been telling people you suck in bed and she's been flirting with the guy who works at in the deli. (Okay, no, not really, but if you had to think about that last sentence even for a second, it's probably a good indicator that you need to worry about your own affairs, and not those of others all the time. Just stop it.)
What I am, is me. I may not be all that you like, agree with, or even find yourself able to understand. Maybe I don't understand you either. I try to see past what I don't agree with, to see the real you... the likeable and loveable side, which is a side we all have. Do you do that when you look at me, or others? I won't say that I don't get pissy and take shots when provoked. That's the key... provocation. If you are going to push your ideas and opinions on me, even after I have said to stop, you're going to see a bitch. (Such as in this blog.) Get a clue. I defend myself. Stop pressing buttons and creating more of what you say you don't like. If you want my good, sweet, and loving side, which is something most people prefer, then treat me with a little respect. You will receive it in return. That is a promise.
I don't ask that everyone like and accept every single thing about me. That's my job. I'm the one who has to live with me at the end of the day, when all is said and done. I am the one who has to pay my own dues and learn my own lessons and receive what karma I deserve. The point of this entry is not to dump on anyone or make anyone feel bad. The point is to express what I feel about who I am, and my RIGHT to be what I am.
I once was someone's little girl. I am someone's sister, granddaughter, niece, mother, love, friend. I am sweet. I am sometimes naive and too trusting. I am stubborn. I am scarred. I am intelligent. I am talented. I am giving... sometimes to a fault, giving of my love and kindness. I am a bitch when my heart hurts. I am learning. I am doing. I am seeing. I am alone and making it all work by myself. I am happy. I am many colors, thoughts, visions, emotions, and roles... none of which can be seen with the eyes. I am not perfect. I am flawed. I am fine with that. I am myself. I am Samantha. That is all I can be.
