Perplex

I wonder how I got here,
Into this state of mind.
There are medical explanitions,
Spiritual explanations,
Egoic explanations...
Yet, still I seem a bit perplexed.

I approach a time, a point,
Of yet another hurdle,
Where ease of access will become
Almost obsolete.
With the original reality of this,
What appeared,
And in some ways still appears
As though it is a step backwards,
Another step I might add...

I am finding more relief,
In what is to come,
What should have happened yesterday,
Though for some reason
I was granted another day's
Worth of time.

Losing ease of access,
I will be faced to go further within,
I will be shut off from a
Now concieved luxury.

I look forward to finding my soul,
I look forward to the divine embrace,
I look forward to the somewhat
Reclusive life that awaits me.

All I have is Me,
And a beautiful child,
This is simply put,
And it is what it is.

It is time to bend over backwards,
For myself
Be it energetically,
Be it spiritually,
Be it with unconditional love...

No more
Handing out my possessions
That I still use
To suffice another...
Or skipping a meal
To feed another,
When I know damn well
The skipping will trigger health issues...

It sounds selfish,
Perhaps with the wording,
Or what needs to be done.
It feels selfish,
When I ask
"What have you done for me?"
"You say you would help if you could,
Yet you go buy excessive material objects,
When I can barely keep a roof over my head"
Within my own mind of course,
I say and ask these things
And not out loud.

Yet I continue to give,
I continue to be a dumping ground,
I continue to feel like a shiny object,
That simply must be had...
Or a runner up,
If selection number one fails,
A naive little girl
That still believes one day
You may keep a promise.
Or pinned against the wall,
For a label of definition,
When I was simply enjoying
The comfort of what it is
What it was.

There is so much more to me...
Then a doormat,
Then a set of pretty eyes,
Then a hugely passive heart.

I will bravely step within.

I will bravely do "the work"
Upon myself,
Within myself,
To rid of all these should be's
The disappointments
That were merely attached to a thought...

I step into my fortress of solitude,
Ready for change

I am the only thing I can change,
What surrounds me
Will only remain in this perception
Until I change myself,
Until I create a ripple.

"Little Sammie-Sue Lost Her Holiday Shoe... What Will Little Sammie Do?"

When I was a little girl, my mother had this "thing" about taking old nursery rhymes and incorporating her children's names into them. We loved it. Mine was was based on Little Betty Blue:

"Little Sammie-Sue

Lost her holiday shoe.

What will little Sammie do?

Find her another

To match the other,

And then she shall walk in two."

It wasn't until I became an adult, some time after my mother's death, that I realized something odd about that rhyme... though I'm sure it was completely unintentional on my mother's part, something about that missing shoe, and the question and solution surrounding it, bothered me for years.

That probably sounds insane, but bear with me.

To most people who know me, it's really no secret anymore, after 30 years, that the early half of my life was hard. My use of the word "hard" is an understatement, but it's better than having to retell a ton of crap that will just be disturbing to others and depressing to me, and I've moved past all that. It left an impression on me that will probably always be there, for the rest of my days. My path toward healing has been a long and difficulty journey. I have encountered people who have lovingly and patiently chosen to travel it with me, and people who have either turned away or pointed fingers and passed judgement as I've passed by. I have gained a great amount of wisdom from it. I have continued on through the storms, and also seen many rainbows. I have changed in many ways...

And I began with only one shoe.

As I've already said, that missing shoe, and what to do, bothered me. It bothered me, because to me, at the time, it was a metaphor for all that I had thought I had overcome and left behind, when in reality, I hadn't gone anywhere. That shoe represented my biggest fear: facing the truth, not just about the past and the person who made the memories so frightening to face, but also about myself, and the person that I allowed the past to turn me into. I needed that shoe to move on.

So what could little Sammie do?

I found the shoe.

I spent my life always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was the shoe. I was allowing myself to stay in a place of pain... allowing myself to hide in that dark place, because I didn't know anything other than that. I kept losing myself, to the point that when I finally found myself, it felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable, much like putting on a new pair of shoes and having to break them in. Seeing light for the first time is terrifying. However, it was not as terrifying as the thought of spending the rest of my life in my own private version of Hell. So I faced the truth. I found it within myself, and put that other shoe on, and took a step forward. I started to feel things again. I began to heal.

I didn't ask for any of what happened to me as a child. It was not my fault. I did not have much of a choice then, or at least not one that I knew of. I do have a choice now. I chose to give myself a chance. I chose to be kind to myself and learn how to live. I will not lie and say that everything is perfect. It isn't. I'm still learning lessons, growing, still moving forward... I have my demons, but I have a greater appreciation for life and I learned how to love and respect myself. It doesn't matter what others think of me. I know how far I have come, and what my worth is.

What was missing, and what I needed to do, are no longer questions that haunt me. It was all within me, all along.

Love Thy Neighbor

Okay... I just got a call from a friend who was crying so hard, she could barely breathe. If she sees this, no worries... I will not name names, but I do have a lot to say, for her, for others, and also for myself.
The suddenly and recently popular "let's poke fun at the weird little Pagan/Jew/Christian hippie rainbow girl" game is ending.
Now.
I will not apologize for who I am. It is very obvious that the majority of you have no idea who I am... because you have never bothered to try learning who I really am. You choose to look with your eyes and go by your assumptions, rather than looking with your heart and attempting to discover the truth. While that is hurtful (more so than most of you realize), that really is not my problem. It is yours. Stop projecting things which are yours, and yours alone, on me. It's not nice, and it's probably something which your mommy or daddy or other caregiver taught you at young age-- to be nice to other people.
After a lengthy conversation with my grandmother yesterday (and before anyone accuses me of being a crybaby... unlike most of you, I don't have a mommy and daddy who take care of things for me... I have done most of it on my own, have had to learn things the hard way, and only go to her when things get bad, and only for advice), I have done a lot of thinking and have made a decision... I have stated how I feel, so now, if the garbage doesn't stop by the end of the weekend, I will be doing a massive wipeout on this [my Facebook] account. There will be no exceptions. This is because I choose to remove myself when I feel bullied.
Some of you may not like that I just used that word -- "bullied" -- but whether you like it or not, or even realize it, that's what you're doing, and not just to me, but to eachother. I'm seeing it everywhere. Just last night, another friend was harrassed and told she should kill herself. The same thing happened to ANOTHER friend a few months ago. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! It is really sad to see human beings move backwards... where difference of opinion, beliefs, and even petty likes and dislikes, defines how we treat others. Even more sad... how we treat people who we've known for some time, but are slowly turning our backs on because someone or something else says to. We are too quick to focus on the negative and the differences, and to find fault in everyone and everything... long before the good. That, is judgement... and it hurts. Look at the world... look at history... look at the kid you tormented in grade school (or maybe you were that tortured kid)... look at what it does. I'm seeing neighbors, old friends, people who are family, at eachother's throats. It's not funny. It's not a game. Most of you are adults, yet your kids are behaving with more kindness, tolerance, and maturity on here than you are. Truth hurts.
I have been hurt many times in the last month. More so than I want to admit. It's one thing to blow it off when someone tells me I have a fat rear end. It's another when it happens every day... to the point that it eats at you. I've had a few of you tell me I'm tough... and I am... that happens when you are treated badly from birth... but I'm also human, and I have feelings. (To those of you who claim to be perfectly fine with what others think and say and do, and say it doesn't affect you in any way, and thus why you think your fellow human beings should learn to hack it along with you... have you ever heard of disassociation? Pretty common in survivors. Personally, it took me some time to come back to reality and start feeling again, and I still have episodes when really stressed. It's defense. If you're comfortable with that in yourself, that is fine... but don't pick on others for not being like you.) It's also hurting me that others who are very close to me, are being mistreated just as much... some, worse, and to a point that they don't even want to answer their phones anymore and jump into a panic when it rings. Some have had their internet shut off on purpose.
While I understand and respect that others have different views, my own view is that I will only be judged by the higher powers which I believe in, because it is no one else's right to step in and take over that power. If you don't like that, and are going to disrespect that... well... then I wish you well in life and on your journey. In the end, these are only my own thoughts and feelings, and I know all of you will only use these words however you want to. Just don't ever assume that I will not stand up for myself.

What I Am...

I am the type of person who continually gets flack for being who I am.

Does this bother me?

Yes and no.

No, in the sense that I actually think I'm a pretty decent person, and I like myself, for all my sweetness, for my overuse of the word "fuck", and even for my random nonsense, among other things. I mean well. I am constantly learning, and growing... living each day of my life the best that I can, trying to get shit right, and always trying to be a better person. Am I perfect? Do I think this makes me better than others? No... which brings me to the "yes"...

Yes, it does bother me, in the sense that I can not stand judgement. While I know that we are each our own person, and that no two people are going to see things exactly in the same way... judgemental and ignorant know-it-alls chap my ass.

A brief but not complete list of crap I have received damnations for over the course of my life, ranging from down right dumb to not being anyone else's business but mine, because it's my life:

1. My fat ass. My present boyfriend is the only man I have been in a relationship with or dated, who does not repeatedly tell me that I "could stand to lose a few". The size of my ass does not affect who I really truly am.
2. The fact that I look like Lily Munster and should get a tan. Pale people are apparently icky. I don't know why this is such a big freakin' deal, but I guess it just is to some.
3. My spiritual beliefs, because everyone seems to think that it is their job to save my soul, despite the fact that I am a good person, and they really do not know jack diddly shit about me, and have never really bothered to try getting to know me. Which is what makes them ignorant.
4. My upbringing. No, I do not have parents... yes, my mommy is dead, and yes, my daddy is a chemical driven psycho ex-con who did bad shit to his kids. Does that affect me? Well, yeah! I miss my mom. And my father left me with issues that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, no matter what I do to stay grounded in the here and now. Does this affect my ability to be a good person, partner, parent, and friend? No. I have worked my ass off to survive, break away, and rise above... to become my own person, far apart from what the first 16 years of my life were like. I am a better human being for this. I am a conqueror. I learned right from wrong. Again, this is where that thing comes in about others not really bothering to get to know the real me. If you weren't there, if you don't have the facts, and if you can't look at me with your heart rather than your eyes, please shut the fuck up and leave it alone.
5. How I "present" myself. I know what this means... it means my face, my clothes, my language, my comfort in my own skin, my tits, and the fact that I refuse (with the exception of two times in my life) to be other than what I am and become what and who others want me to be. I have boobies... I'm a chick... and they are going to stick out when I wear a "revealing" article of clothing, because that's what I like to fucking wear. Okay? I'm 30 years old. I don't need or want someone to hold my hand and tell me how I should dress or apply makeup. I like how I look. It makes me happy. It reflects my tastes, and my personality, and I look this way for me. If you don't like it, don't look at me. I'm not yours to look at anyway. Unless I start flashing my vag to everyone in drunken Facebook photos (which will never happen), and become a total skank, don't worry about it. I do have self-respect... but I'm going to do my thing.
6. Being an addict. Read my lips...  Yes, addiction is an illness. Once an addict, always an addict. There is no cure. I however have 11 1/2 years under my belt, free of drugs, and I make an effort every day to remind myself of why I will never go back to that dark place. Please get off my back.
7. Being unmarried at 30... and a teen mom, to boot... with many, many failed and disasterous relationships. All I'm going to say is this...  First, I love my daughter with all my heart, and would not change a thing. I have given her my life. I am happy with my choices where she is concerned, considering that when you pop out a baby, they don't come with an instruction manual like a DVD player does. Just because I had a kid as a kid, doesn't mean I spread like peanut butter. For the record, I have not had sex in quite some time. By my choice, because I don't give it out to just anyone. I never have. Do not assume anything about me. And about my status as an unmarried 30 year old woman, with a past history of bad taste in partners... bite my ass. Up until you got married, your love life sucked too. For the record, I am very happy with the sweet and unconditional man I have in my life now. And by the way... your wife has been telling people you suck in bed and she's been flirting with the guy who works at in the deli. (Okay, no, not really, but if you had to think about that last sentence even for a second, it's probably a good indicator that you need to worry about your own affairs, and not those of others all the time. Just stop it.)

As I said... not a complete list, but you get a few of my points.

What I am, is me. I may not be all that you like, agree with, or even find yourself able to understand. Maybe I don't understand you either. I try to see past what I don't agree with, to see the real you... the likeable and loveable side, which is a side we all have. Do you do that when you look at me, or others? I won't say that I don't get pissy and take shots when provoked. That's the key... provocation. If you are going to push your ideas and opinions on me, even after I have said to stop, you're going to see a bitch. (Such as in this blog.) Get a clue. I defend myself. Stop pressing buttons and creating more of what you say you don't like. If you want my good, sweet, and loving side, which is something most people prefer, then treat me with a little respect. You will receive it in return. That is a promise.

I don't ask that everyone like and accept every single thing about me. That's my job. I'm the one who has to live with me at the end of the day, when all is said and done. I am the one who has to pay my own dues and learn my own lessons and receive what karma I deserve. The point of this entry is not to dump on anyone or make anyone feel bad. The point is to express what I feel about who I am, and my RIGHT to be what I am.

I once was someone's little girl. I am someone's sister, granddaughter, niece, mother, love, friend. I am sweet. I am sometimes naive and too trusting. I am stubborn. I am scarred. I am intelligent. I am talented. I am giving... sometimes to a fault, giving of my love and kindness. I am a bitch when my heart hurts. I am learning. I am doing. I am seeing. I am alone and making it all work by myself. I am happy. I am many colors, thoughts, visions, emotions, and roles... none of which can be seen with the eyes. I am not perfect. I am flawed. I am fine with that. I am myself. I am Samantha. That is all I can be.

01.17.12

The throbbing pain
That spreads
Without being clearly defined
Is driving me mad...
I feel angst
I feel grief
I feel dispair
I feel confusion...
I need resolution
I need to heal
I need my path,
At least the next step
Obliviously laid out
In plain sight
So that my dense eyes
May see...
I curse and I scream
I cry and I beg
I wonder what the fuck I did
Where the hell I went wrong
Upon my sober
And righteous path
To end up here...
Here in this place of
Fog...
It's all foggy
It's stressful
It's demeaning,
Being labeled as lazy
Being told to suck it up...
What am I to suck up exactly?
If it is still a mysterious
Flaw to who I am
Physically in flesh...
How am I to pretend,
In foolishness that it doesn't
Truly exist...
I feel it
I feel it daily
And it hurts my soul
My pride
My Self...
When I foolishly try to
Suck it up
For the sake of
Unsupportive eyes
Be it my own pride
Or another casting out
Their misunderstanding...
I suffer
I end up fiercely reminded
That this is real...
Just because one day
May differ from the next
Doesn't mean a damn thing...
Walk a day in my shoes,
Take my best day
Go ahead and push
What isn't real
Then call me afterwards
Be it five minutes later
An hour later
Or the next morning
When you wake up
With the reprocussions
And appologies...
And I will take my shoes back.
While in my shoes
Please honor my sobriety
Please respect my morals
And tolerate with medication
That only I can tolerate,
Which is slim to none.

01.14.12

The depth of my soul, Lays behind shades of greens, With an occasional hue of blues... My past and my future, Are perhaps irrelevant, Depending upon which road you stand. Without hindsight, These shoes that I fill, Would fail to beat to the rhythm, Of my soul's tune. Without foresight, Of a vast awry of mystery, The rhythm drumming within, From hindsight's past... Would it mean a thing? I have stories to tell, Some mostly based upon assumption, From days gone black... Does that make my past relevant? I over analyze, Behind the greens and hues, That you may call, Windows to my soul, But another may claim, They are just means of transmission, From the outside world, To my brain... I analyze my hindsight, To vast obsessions, For the purpose of shaping my future... I analyze my future, Forgetting the Now- Without grace, I Flaw for patience, Upon every stepping stone, That shall lead me there. I analyze the Now, The lack of patience, Remembrance upon the desire, For the immediate fix, The immediate solution... Though my hindsight exists, Of a completely different behavior, I recognize a fraction, Of the personality, That is still alive, That will always need to be Aware, For the sake of My recovered survival... An addict, Can be and will be still An addict, With or without the addiction of choice, An addict, Is still an addict, If Growth is not achieved... I am Flawed- In my lack of patience. I am Flawed- In my want of control. I am Flawed- In so many ways. However... I am Flawed perfectly, Beautifully. Behind the mostly green, The occasional blue, Beyond my flesh, Beyond my stories From this incarnation, Beyond my future dreams... I am evolving. I am not alone. I never was- Even in reclusive moments, Hidden behind Physical and metaphorical walls... I was Never alone. I see that now. I am just another Cellular structure, Having similiar experiences With other cells. One moment at a time. One embrace at a time. Together, We are Mother Earth. We are her puzzle pieces, Scrambling around, Similiar to an auto-immune, Attacking one another, Attacking vital parts To "her" structure... In hindsight, I am my own worst enemy. In the Now, I become more- Awake Alive Aware... When tomorrow comes, Be it through my greens, Or my hues of blue, Or be it a trail of fractions Left behind, Through pieces I have shared... I want my hindsight, As well as yours, To be the morning's sunrise, To be the evening's dusk... I want our fingerprints To be the Cure, For healing OUR Mother's Auto-immune.

#1 Pet Peeve (And a Choice)...

Stop.

Before you judge me, take a minute to ask yourself this question:

"Do I even know who she really is?"

 Well... do you?

If anyone "thinks" that they know me, they are probably wrong. You either do, or you don't. Probably very few people in my life, can truthfully say that they have taken the time to see beyond the surface and their own projections, opinions, and assumptions.

I am tired of people treating me like crap.

I don't give two shits what your beliefs are, how you were raised, how much your life sucks right now, or even how fat your ass is.

You know why?

Because I don't see any of that. I see YOU... for who you are... and I love you just the same. The least anyone (who wants to be a part of my life) can do, is give me the same fucking open-hearted treatment that I have afforded and offered, because I am just that blindy caring... because that is what a good and kind person does.

Unable to bring yourself to do that?

Okay. Fine. Take it elsewhere, then... because I have a choice as to who and what I allow to affect me.

I choose to not subject myself to that kind of mistreatment.