01.12.12

The day prior to Friday,
One less than thirteen
Within the year forecasted by
The Ancients,
As one of great change,
Through means of many ends...
I have waited,
With much anticipation,
For this calendar year to arrive.
Diligent daily,
Yet as if I desire stillness
From Humanities concept of time.
Within my Spirit,
I feel more Alive then previous
Days
Weeks
Months
The past year plus...
For within the gift of "misfortune"
Within the gift of mysteriously odd health...
I once again,
Slowly but surely,
Heard the voice of my Heart,
The voice of my Soul.
Through every step,
Every staggering moment of Ego...
I see what I must do,
I know which voice to follow.
It is NOT the voice of criticism,
Nor is it the voices that echo
With third dimensional logistic reasons.
It is NOT the voice of control,
Nor is it the voice of commands.
It is NOT the voice of Avarice...
What it IS...
It is the voice of my Soul,
It is the voice of my higher self...
It is the voice I must follow.
Brick by brick,
I will tear down the wall.
Brick by brick,
I will re-use
I will re-new
I will re-cycle
Brick by brick,
I will build another wall behind
To keep the demons out.

"... over and over... "

(Early 2011...  I may never tell anyone exactly what my poems are about. But I can say this... it's called looking back, reviewing, acknowledging, learning, accepting, growing, and letting go.)

In dreams...
So many times,
My dreams
Shattered
Within a dream...
A nightmare...

Over and over...
I am born,
A vessel
Of hope,
Of light.
My love
Spread in flight,
Free
And unconditional.
Joyful and innocent.

And unaware...

Pulled,
Pushed,
Savage,
From above...
Asking why...
Falling away
From all that is good...
All goodness
Torn from me...
Bleeding,
My shattered heart...

"... I have no innocence, though I am no devil... "

 (Late 2007... I look at myself and am amazed at how far I have come. It's crazy what a person can achieve once they surrender and open their heart and soul to healing.)

This is MY Hell.
My whole world...
CRASH.
Once my precious illusion,
My world...
I am cracked.
Blinding warmth pours in,
Unstoppable,
Scorching my paleness.
I see that face,
Garish grin,
Trying to see inside.
My mask...
Turned to ashes.
No wings
To hide beneathe.
I have no innocence,
Though I am no devil,
No horrid and wretched thing.
Judgement is NOT yours.
I am fallen,
Wounded...
Left behind or cast out?
Still part child...
I bleed,
I cry,
I LOVE...
I scream inside...

I fear I still have a soul...

The Toxies...

Toxies... it's a word I use for the the type of people who are always there for you, no matter what... to drain the fuck out of you.

Toxies have no real responsibilities, no respect or consideration for your responsibilities and feelings, are unable to contribute anything positive at all to their relationships, and they persistently annoy the piss out of others by expecting them to sacrifice a good night's sleep to their neediness. They come in different forms... old disappearing/reappearing friends, exes, family members, coworkers, classmates, neighbors... you get the point. They suck you dry of all that is giving, good, patient, and unconditional. They take advantage. They pop up at the worst times, because they have some kind of sixth sense that tells them that you are vulnerable and primed for easy pickings. They lie. They cheat. They cause premature aging. They are everywhere... and they are coming for you.

I have had my fair share of toxies. Usually they come in the form of exes or past aquaintances, who somewhere along the lines either have branded me as some kind of personal property there to make them feel better about themselves, or have attached themselves to me like a vitality-sucking tumor. Bad experiences have included and are not limited to being picked clean financially, manipulation, abuse, annoyance, stalking, and drunken "I need you" texts and phonecalls and messages at all hours of the night (it doesn't matter that I might have something huge going on in my own life like a grandparent dying, or that I might be trying to sleep at 2:00am because I do have a small child who I have to get up with in the morning). I even have a family member who has pushed me to consider staging my own death so I can run off and start a new life with a new name, just to escape the insanity.

Put simply: Toxies are bad. M'kay?

While many people have no problems laying down the law and telling certain people to fuck off, others genuinely care about their toxies. Yours could be your sibling, kid, parent, best friend, partner...  Some do not realize that they are putting strain or pressure on others, and may only exhibit certain behaviors because of underlying deep-seeded issues. In a case like that, it's hard to tell a loved one to go out and play in traffic. For those who do not care how much they sponge off of others, such as an aquaintance or coworker, you still have to be careful. For all you know, that pesky chick that you dated 10 months ago, could have a basement full of decapitated corpses. I'm just saying. Maintaining your composure and not getting all psycho is usually intelligent. Unless you are me... at 2:32am... when the phone rings... and I am tired... and I yell because the call is not for an important purpose.

So how do you get rid of a toxic person?

Boundaries.

It's the only way I've found that works. Set them. Stick to them. If that doesn't work, cut ties. It sucks, and no one really wants to be an asshole, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, and there's no other way around it. Probably sounds mean, but it's the truth... eventually we all have to ask ourselves, "Is this good for me?"

Be Advised...

To those who are familiar with the way that I do the blog thing, pay no mind to this post. It's just a waste of your time. Sammie has a potty mouth and says what she wants, and this should not be a shocker. Move along. Unless you are bored...

To those who are not familiar with my writing... well... there's a reason why I activated the adult content warning which popped up when you clicked the little link thingy to view my blog. As I said (and as my blog description clearly states), I have a big mouth. I am not the most ladylike of girly-girls.

I'm going to give you a few examples to help you decide whether or not you would like to continue reading my shit (oh, darn... swearing again), and to make it clear that once you make your decision, if you yell at me, I do know how to yell back.

I swear. A lot. I do it constantly. If you can not handle this, don't say I didn't warn you! That warning caution "adult content" thingy should have given you a clue.

I rant and rave. A lot. And it pisses people off, because I'm not afraid to tell people to tell it like it is or to ask questions.

I have a dirty mind and gutter sense of humor. Again... that "adult content" warning.

I am brutally honest. It's self-explainatory. I have no prob telling anyone that they are being stupid. If you don't want my thoughts, don't ask.

All that having been put out there, I want to say one more thing before wrapping this post up and leaving you to whatever the hell you were doing before you started reading...

I am a nice person. I am a good person. I have a mushy, lovey-dovey, kittens and rainbows kind of heart. If you can chill, and keep an open mind, I welcome your thoughts and may even hump your leg to show you how valuable your presence is to me.

I think that says it all. You never know what I'm going to post. Could be artwork, could be my random mumbo jumbo, could be poetry, could be cute stories about adventures in parenting, could be rants about petty vexations, could be nonsense, or I could sit here and ramble on about the people I love. In any case... thanks for giving me a read.