Perplex

I wonder how I got here,
Into this state of mind.
There are medical explanitions,
Spiritual explanations,
Egoic explanations...
Yet, still I seem a bit perplexed.

I approach a time, a point,
Of yet another hurdle,
Where ease of access will become
Almost obsolete.
With the original reality of this,
What appeared,
And in some ways still appears
As though it is a step backwards,
Another step I might add...

I am finding more relief,
In what is to come,
What should have happened yesterday,
Though for some reason
I was granted another day's
Worth of time.

Losing ease of access,
I will be faced to go further within,
I will be shut off from a
Now concieved luxury.

I look forward to finding my soul,
I look forward to the divine embrace,
I look forward to the somewhat
Reclusive life that awaits me.

All I have is Me,
And a beautiful child,
This is simply put,
And it is what it is.

It is time to bend over backwards,
For myself
Be it energetically,
Be it spiritually,
Be it with unconditional love...

No more
Handing out my possessions
That I still use
To suffice another...
Or skipping a meal
To feed another,
When I know damn well
The skipping will trigger health issues...

It sounds selfish,
Perhaps with the wording,
Or what needs to be done.
It feels selfish,
When I ask
"What have you done for me?"
"You say you would help if you could,
Yet you go buy excessive material objects,
When I can barely keep a roof over my head"
Within my own mind of course,
I say and ask these things
And not out loud.

Yet I continue to give,
I continue to be a dumping ground,
I continue to feel like a shiny object,
That simply must be had...
Or a runner up,
If selection number one fails,
A naive little girl
That still believes one day
You may keep a promise.
Or pinned against the wall,
For a label of definition,
When I was simply enjoying
The comfort of what it is
What it was.

There is so much more to me...
Then a doormat,
Then a set of pretty eyes,
Then a hugely passive heart.

I will bravely step within.

I will bravely do "the work"
Upon myself,
Within myself,
To rid of all these should be's
The disappointments
That were merely attached to a thought...

I step into my fortress of solitude,
Ready for change

I am the only thing I can change,
What surrounds me
Will only remain in this perception
Until I change myself,
Until I create a ripple.

"Little Sammie-Sue Lost Her Holiday Shoe... What Will Little Sammie Do?"

When I was a little girl, my mother had this "thing" about taking old nursery rhymes and incorporating her children's names into them. We loved it. Mine was was based on Little Betty Blue:

"Little Sammie-Sue

Lost her holiday shoe.

What will little Sammie do?

Find her another

To match the other,

And then she shall walk in two."

It wasn't until I became an adult, some time after my mother's death, that I realized something odd about that rhyme... though I'm sure it was completely unintentional on my mother's part, something about that missing shoe, and the question and solution surrounding it, bothered me for years.

That probably sounds insane, but bear with me.

To most people who know me, it's really no secret anymore, after 30 years, that the early half of my life was hard. My use of the word "hard" is an understatement, but it's better than having to retell a ton of crap that will just be disturbing to others and depressing to me, and I've moved past all that. It left an impression on me that will probably always be there, for the rest of my days. My path toward healing has been a long and difficulty journey. I have encountered people who have lovingly and patiently chosen to travel it with me, and people who have either turned away or pointed fingers and passed judgement as I've passed by. I have gained a great amount of wisdom from it. I have continued on through the storms, and also seen many rainbows. I have changed in many ways...

And I began with only one shoe.

As I've already said, that missing shoe, and what to do, bothered me. It bothered me, because to me, at the time, it was a metaphor for all that I had thought I had overcome and left behind, when in reality, I hadn't gone anywhere. That shoe represented my biggest fear: facing the truth, not just about the past and the person who made the memories so frightening to face, but also about myself, and the person that I allowed the past to turn me into. I needed that shoe to move on.

So what could little Sammie do?

I found the shoe.

I spent my life always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was the shoe. I was allowing myself to stay in a place of pain... allowing myself to hide in that dark place, because I didn't know anything other than that. I kept losing myself, to the point that when I finally found myself, it felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable, much like putting on a new pair of shoes and having to break them in. Seeing light for the first time is terrifying. However, it was not as terrifying as the thought of spending the rest of my life in my own private version of Hell. So I faced the truth. I found it within myself, and put that other shoe on, and took a step forward. I started to feel things again. I began to heal.

I didn't ask for any of what happened to me as a child. It was not my fault. I did not have much of a choice then, or at least not one that I knew of. I do have a choice now. I chose to give myself a chance. I chose to be kind to myself and learn how to live. I will not lie and say that everything is perfect. It isn't. I'm still learning lessons, growing, still moving forward... I have my demons, but I have a greater appreciation for life and I learned how to love and respect myself. It doesn't matter what others think of me. I know how far I have come, and what my worth is.

What was missing, and what I needed to do, are no longer questions that haunt me. It was all within me, all along.